Kol Nidre 5776 -- Forgiveness

Rabbi Mark H. Levin, DHL

Congregation Beth Torah

September 22, 2015

I have a modest goal for this sermon. I want to irrevocably change your life! I want this to be the week that you look back upon years from now and say, "Where did I turn onto a new path that so improved my enjoyment of life? Oh yeah, it was Yom Kippur 2015."  

And how will you know if you have succeeded? If in a few days or a week from now someone comes to you and says, "You know, something about you seems different. In a good way, not a bad way. But different!  I just can't put my finger on it."
Then you'll know: you've changed.

Good stories aren't just entertaining. They teach us about ourselves. Here's a famous story of a Jewish hero, a guy called Honi the Circle-Drawer, who, legend says, lived about 2,100 years ago in Israel:

… One day Honi was walking on the road and he saw a man planting a carob tree. He asked, "How long does it take [for this tree] to grow fruit?" The man replied: "Seventy years." Honi then asked him: "Are you certain that you will live another seventy years?" The man replied: "I found [fruitful] carob trees in the world; as my ancestors planted those for me so I too plant these for my children."

Honi sat down to have a meal and fell into a deep slumber. As he slept a cave enclosed over him that hid him from sight and he slept for seventy years. When he awoke he saw a man gathering the fruit of the carob tree.  Honi asked him, "Are you the man who planted the tree?" The man replied: "I am his grandson." Thereupon Honi said outloud: "I must have slept for seventy years."

… Honi walked to his home. At the door he inquired, "Is the son of Honi the Circle-Drawer still alive?" The people answered him, "His son is no more, but his grandson is still living." Thereupon he said to them: "I am Honi the Circle-Drawer," but no one would believe him.

He turned and left for the beit ha-midrash, the [study hall] where he had spent all of his time.  There he overheard the scholars say, "The law is as clear to us as in the days of Honi the Circle-Drawer,” "Whenever Honi came to the beit ha-midrash he would settle any difficulty the scholars had.”

 Whereupon he called out, "I am Honi!"  But the scholars would not believe him nor did they give him the honor due to him. This hurt him greatly and he prayed for mercy, and he died.

 Raba said: "Hence the saying, 'Either companionship or death.'"

(Babylonian Talmud, Ta’anit 23a, taken with my edits from Velveteen Rabbi, http://velveteenrabbi.blogs.com/blog/2012/02/a-gorgeous-teaching-for-this-week-on-honi-the-circle-drawer.html)

Honi was the Jewish Rip Vanwinkle.  He wonders why anyone would plant a fruit tree he'll never personally enjoy; no return on his investment of time and energy. "Why plant trees you will never harvest?"

After Honi's 70 year nap, the nearby carob tree is fully grown and there's fruit for the picking. He goes home and hears that his son has died but his grandson lives.

He realizes what has happened and returned to his haunting grounds: the House of Study where he taught, and discovers that his teachings, like the tree, have borne fruit after 70 years. But as much as the Rabbis revere Honi in memory, he himself goes unrecognized and unacknowledged. He's suddenly alone with no loving friends.

Honi's teachings were esteemed, but life without friends and family became intolerable. He's not a tree to bear fruit. He's a man who lives to interact.

Without loved ones or friends to share our lives, daily survival becomes a struggle.  So shouldn't nurturing our closest relationships be our primary goal?

Weigh the priorities in your life. Which is more important, being loved or being right? Do you support the decisions of the people you love, or do you direct them how to live because you know how things ought to be and how everyone around you should live? How would your family answer these questions about you? Do you support or direct?

So often I have heard the claim from married couples, "It's natural to fight.  All married couples fight. Right?"  Or, "I was right. He was wrong. He needed to know that."

I differ. Married couples do not have to fight.  People will inevitably disagree. We are not automatons nor clones. But here's the reason we don't have to fight. Before you say anything to your spouse, or even to your children or your closest friends, ask yourself the question, "Do I want my marriage, or my family, or my friendship to break up over this issue?"

I am not saying that in reality your meaning-filled relationships are hanging on the edge of a cliff, waiting for a final straw to send them crashing. But think about it.

If your spouse were to say, "That's it. I'm done." If your children were to walk away. If your friends were never again to call: And this issue that you are about to fight about were the reason: would that be ok with you?

If not, then why are you fighting? Being right is no victory. Being loved is the victory.

So here's my point: with spouses, children and best friends, your first goal in life, before being right, before being corrective, before instructing how to do it better, is to be accepting, kind and loving.

And this is really difficult.  But this IS the spiritual journey.

So, I am going to admit something. I am not perfect. Yup, that's right. Not perfect. And I have actually said to my wife, "When such and such happens, I am going to be upset. So, I need a favor. Don't talk to me right away about it. Let me get quietly upset. Give me a bit of time to emotionally adjust, to berate myself, to feel bad without unintentionally piling onto my self loathing.  Later we can talk about it. I'm not blaming you. It's me. I need a little time to calm down when I do stupid things.  That's my personality."

We mess up! When we feel awful about ourselves we need to be supported, not instructed.  I didn't get married to move a critic into my bedroom. I got married to live with my most intimate friend, someone who truly knows and understands me and loves me anyway.  Without friends, Honi knew his life was over.

Can you say, "I am willing to live lovingly with someone who is less than perfect because I, too, am less than perfect?" Can you adjust your life rather than asking them to change theirs?

When you are annoyed, out of sorts, angry, or frustrated. When you desperately want to nail that reaction onto your spouse's or friend's chest like Hester Prynne's Scarlet Letter A, please stop and first think: why AM I feeling this emotion? Be curious about yourself before lecturing others how to live. Do Not React until you know what inside of you triggered that negativity. And if the answer is, "I am reacting to what my idiot spouse did," go back to square one and think again because that ain't it. You are reacting to something inside of you that was perhaps triggered by something your spouse did.  But the emotion is in you, not them. 

Your answer may be, "I get angry when I am criticized, and I was just criticized." Or, "I get frustrated when he doesn't do what we agreed to. And he didn't do what he promised." First, understand what's operating inside of you.  Then: get ready to forgive!

Remember when you first fell in love and nothing your new girl or boyfriend did bothered you? How did love make it so easy to forgive at the outset when forgiving is so difficult today?

I am asking you not to react until you know why you are reacting so strongly.  Wait until the emotion inside you has gone from an 8 to a 1.   

Your job with your spouse, adult children and friends is to forgive them their shortcomings and accept them in love. You are not the critic-in-residence. You are the cheerleader in residence, and God's agent of forgiveness.

How many of you say, or used to say with your kids, the Shema at night before bed?

Here's a Jewish prayer I'm guessing you've never seen. It's in this evening's announcement sheet handout for you to take home with you. Put it by your bed. You'll also find it on the Beth Torah FB page and website soon.

Try reciting this prayer tonight, before you go to sleep. Say it to yourself, or outloud, whichever works for you. (look at prayer on announcement sheet and read with you.)

Master of the universe! I hereby forgive anyone who has angered or vexed me, or sinned against me, in any manner, against my honor or anything else that is mine, whether accidentally or intentionally, inadvertently or deliberately, by speech or by deed; may no person be punished on my account.

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable before You, Lord, my Strength and my Redeemer.

http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/732811/jewish/Before-Retiring-at-Night-10th-Step.htm

This prayer actually says, “I don’t want anyone to be punished because of me.” Is that the case?  Then why do we blame so frequently?  Isn’t blaming punishing?

It’s much simpler to change yourself than to beat your head against the wall to change others. Your long-term happiness rests on relationships. Why do we preference being right over being loving? Why do we so often criticize?

Must you forgive everything? In the short term: yes.  You may not be able to live with those things long term, but you need to forgive in the short term.  Betrayal, for instance, is extremely difficult to endure, because we build the steel girdings of  relationship on the concrete foundation of trust. If ultimately you discover that you cannot sustain the relationship, at least you won’t part ways with animosity.

Must you live with someone who harms you? Absolutely and emphatically, no, you do not! But to the best of your ability: let go of the hurt!

Relationships take a lot of negotiation, but negotiate within yourself first; and then with the other. We too often forget to correct ourselves before we correct the person we love. Correcting too often damages loving. The Talmud says it’s a rare person who knows how to give rebuke, and a rarer person who knows how to take it. In the years before a divorce people often damage the loving so much and they don’t know how to fix it. The first step is forgiveness. Put the loving first, and your hard feelings second.

We have many addicted people in this congregation. I am not naïve.  And some of you may be sitting there thinking Rabbi Levin just doesn’t comprehend my life. You’re living with an addict or an angry person, and it’s so very frustrating. But I also know that you cannot make an alcoholic, a drug addict, a sex addict, a porn addict, a gambling addict, or any other kind of addict, even someone who is angry, change unless that person desires a different life. The loving response is to say to yourself, “The person I love has emotional wounds.” If someone has a broken arm you don’t slam it with a book. Why pound on an emotionally sensitive spot?  Instead ask, “How can we make this better?”

Loving requires forgiving: no long term revenge, no constant mulling over grudges.  True forgiveness, relinquishing grudges and revenge, can be gut wrenching and ego damaging. That’s the real test of love. It’s about what you give, not what you get. All of our American cultural messages tell us that we love because of what we get, not because of what we give. Loving is service to a person whom you love rather than a measure of what you get from the person you love. It starts every night before sleep with forgiveness. We wipe the slate clean. “I want no one to be punished on my account,” says the prayer.

Should you speak with your spouse or children or friends about your discontent? When you are certain it’s to benefit both of you and not just to appease yourself. When you are not about to pour animosity’s cold water as though it’s the ice bucket challenge? Absolutely.  Marriage and parenting require honest and straight-forward discussion in ways that facilitate tandem lives. But be prepared to live with someone who is less than perfect in ways that you would not prefer, because loving a person is about loving him or her for what she or he is, not for what you desire him or her to be. The work you have to do is not about changing your spouse, adult children and friends. It’s about changing you and forgiving your spouse, adult children and friends.

In the last 40 days until tonight you were supposed to ask those dearest to you to forgive you. You can still do that. You’ve got another 13 days. Your challenge is to forgive them. Then, daily, you clear the slate.

Here’s how this can actually change your entire life:  You are establishing a life of forgiveness.  It’s difficult. It means relinquishing grudges and letting go thoughts of revenge. It means embracing love and relinquishing the grasp of pettiness. That’s why, when you make this practice part of your life, and take the prayer home and read it every night, someone is going to say to you, “You know what? You’re different. And I don’t know how to describe it. But you’re different, and in a good way.” Starting with your spouse, then your children, then friends, you become a bigger person.  You take the focus off yourself.  This is the actual spiritual journey people talk so much about but rarely accomplish. People enjoy being around people who forgive. They feel safe. It makes them joyous. It’s actually contagious, paying it forward. Your job is not to compete about who is right, but to emotionally support those you love. It’s not to be a carpet to be walked on or to be a doormat to walk over, but to allow the people you love, spouses and children and friends included, to have a safe home in which to develop their lives and grow with your support. Listen carefully, closely and objectively to yourselves wherever you happen to be: at home, in a restaurant, out with friends, shopping, on a playground with your children. How much do you instruct even when you are not asked for your instructions, telling yourself the person needs to know your opinion to become a better person?  No they don’t. They’ll figure it out for themselves. They really need is to feel loved.  

Here’s something a friend actually wrote to me:

… I loved my husband far more after we were married for a few years than when we first got together, I think because he showed me day after day that he was committed to me, and loved me. My love for him grew to proportions I had never experienced before … I think it's natural, at least for me to love someone more after you are together as long as you exhibit behavior that promotes the relationship.

Can you plant a carob tree of kindness in your spouse and children, in your friends, expecting no reward? You won’t physically fall asleep for 70 years, but one day you will in fact wake up, and you will see life in a new light. What did the rabbis say?  “Companionship or death.” Let forgiveness be your guide, and it will light the road of companionship and love touching many lives surrounding you until God calls you home.