Science, Genesis and Religion

Someone just told me that her daughter found out that two of her friends don't believe in evolution because they think that the Bible contradicts evolution and wants to know what we liberal Jews think.
While there are certainly people who think that way within Judaism, there is no reason for the Bible to contradict science. The first 11 chapters of the Book of Genesis were actually intended to be explanations of the origins of many things in the world. They are mythology in the best sense: explanations for how things came to be that teach underlying lessons about our perception of reality.
This was the original intent of these stories, as the modern writing of history just began a few centuries ago. The ancients were writing about such things as:
Genesis 1: the orderliness of creation, culminating in the creation of humanity to rule over creation and the sabbath as holy time;
Genesis 1-2: all humanity, regardless of place of origin, was created in God's image and shares equal status in God's eyes;
Genesis 3: the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and the Garden of Eden: why we don't live forever, the origins of evil, why the world does not seem to be a perfect place, why women bear children in pain, why the ground must be tilled requiring toil, etc.
Genesis 4: the story of Cain and Abel: the definition of murder. Murder is when you illegally kill your brother. There were other people in the world, as the story has Cain decrying his exile and stating that others will kill him. But murder is when you kill someone within your own kinship group for whom you are responsible. Hence the question asked by Cain, "Am I my brother's keeper?"
Genesis 6-9: the flood story: the origin of eating meat, the aetiology and meaning of the rainbow, and the promise that God will never again destroy humanity.
Genesis 11: the origin or languages.

These are just some of the things taught in these ahistorical biblical chapters that were never meant to be a literal history of the planet or the origin of people, but explain to us the more important lessons of the relationships between people, the authority of human beings, and the place of good and evil in the world.

Justice for All?
Parashat Vayera
October 24, 2015

THIS week's parashah opens with Abraham's hospitality to complete strangers, the promise that Sarah will conceive and bear a son. It then goes immediately to Abraham negotiating with God to protect any innocent people in the wicked city of Sodom. The parashah concludes with Abraham immediately fulfilling God's command to sacrifice his own son, which God does not do when Abraham demonstrates his faithfulness. What's the connection?

The parashah sets the tone with Abraham's complete hospitality to total strangers. The midrash says that Abraham and Sarah's tent sat at a crossroads and was open in four directions, immediately welcoming any passerby to enter, eat and rest.

God shows similar kindness to Sarah and Abraham and gives them a child when they previously could not conceive.

The Torah follows with Abraham's defense of any innocent people in Sodom, that the innocent would not be slain with the guilty. Abraham aggressively importunes God to reverse course and leave all alive if even 10 innocent people are found in Sodom.

A few chapters later, God commands Abraham to slaughter his only son, the gift he received in Chapter 18, as a sacrifice at God's command. Abraham immediately complies. Why does Abraham so defend complete strangers in Sodom when he is so ready and willing to sacrifice to God the most beloved relationship he possesses?

To understand we must compare Abraham to the story of Noah which we read two weeks ago. Noah was commanded to save himself and his family and allow the entire world to die. He complies without uttering a single word of complaint. He never questions whether the innocent will be slain with the guilty, as Abraham does. The name Noah means comfortable or complacent, and indeed, "as is his name so is he."

But the covenant is struck with Abraham, who asks that God comport with God's own laws of justice. What chutzpah to remind the Creator of the rules of Creation: the innocent have a right to life and may not be forced to bear responsibility for the sins of their neighbors.

Abraham's son, on the other hand, is guilty of nothing. But, as Bruria will later explain to Rabbi Meir when their two sons die on the same day, "Someone left us a security for us to keep for him, and now he has come to reclaim it. Shall we return it to him?" In other words, Isaac was a gift that did not belong to them, and could be reclaimed at any time. Abraham demonstrated his faith in God's justice and allowed the return of the gift without question.

The man who argued so arduously for justice when it was not on his own behalf, turned around and demonstrated the willingness to be hurt when the proper owner of his most precious article came to retrieve it. Such is the nature of God's first servant through the covenant.

I cannot understand how the descendants of Abraham can punish the innocent with the guilty, when the progenitor of the Jewish people demonstrated so clearly that God demands justice. We cannot lump everyone in a national or racial group together. Each person has the right to be charged with his/her own actions, and we cannot punish the innocent with the guilty.

When the Zionists first debated a Jewish State, they debated what the nature of the State would be. Will Jews be able to govern others better than they were governed? Can Jews rise to the responsibilities, challenges and inconveniences of sovereignty?

Israel claims to be a Jewish State. But it cannot ignore Jewish ethics as they apply to the stranger and claim to be Jewish. It's one or the other. Either we act as Jewish ethics demand, or there is no truly Jewish State. That means that everyone who lives within the State must be treated with justice for all, and judged according to their own actions.

Genesis teaches us how the Founder of Judaism treated the stranger. Modern Jews can do no less.

Simchat Torah 5776

On Simchat Torah, Sunday night and Monday, we read the final parashah of the Torah, in which we find:"Moses commanded us the Torah; an inheritance of the congregation of Jacob." (Deuteronomy 33:4)

Most famously this becomes the text for the universally recognized 613 Torah commandments, 365 negative and 248 positive, stated by Rabbi Simlai in Babylonian Talmud, Makkot, 23b.

This occasions talmudic summaries of the lessons of Torah, starting with King David reducing them to 11 in Psalm 15. Interestingly, Ps. 15 lists exclusively moral traits for us to follow, without mentioning a single ritual. The Talmud can clearly be interpretated as teaching that the entirety of Torah is reducible to morality, a principle restated by Reform Judaism's emphasis on the prophets.

One interpretation of this verse is to begin teaching children the forms of letters and the simple blessings of enjoyment: viz. ha-motzi for bread, p'ri ha-etz for fruit, etc., from the time they begin to speak. It begins with teaching the letters and the sounds, so that every child gets the basics from an early age.

The Torah Temimah goes on to explain this beautifully, "We see that this education process is to implant and to root in the child's soft heart the greatness of the holiness of our Torah in general, in order that this idea will be a seal on his heart later when he goes out among people. There's no reason to elaborate further to a child whose brain is not yet prepared to absorb exalted ideas. Therefore try hard to teach him the basics in simple words that he can understand."

The Talmud says that Rav Hamnuna copied our verse on parchment 400 times, and gifted it to children in particular to remember the inheritance we are given. In other words, it's the responsibility of adults, particularly parents and grandparents, to teach correct conduct to children, and connect that with the holiness of Torah that teaches us the principles for living.

Torah Temima cites here the talmudic story in Shabbat 31a of the heathen who approaches Hillel and asks to learn the Torah while Hillel stands on one foot. Hillel says, "What is hateful to you do not do to your neighbor. All the rest is commentary. Go and learn."

Too frequently that last part is omitted, as though the Golden Rule would suffice. But it does not, because the world is a very complex place, and even if we have the motivation to live ethical lives the actual practice might be difficult to determine. Therefore Jews study Torah throughout our lives, lifelong learners,to appreciate the complexity of applying our ethical ideals in the real world in which we live.

Chag sameach.

The Pope is a Marxist
Oct. 4, 2015

I love listening to Rush Limbaugh lecture the Pope about Catholicism, and call the Pope a Marxist, as if that were his motivation after decades of living consistently according to his theology. This Pope is so profoundly theologically consistent, way beyond his predecessors, a phenomenon Limbaugh can't even begin to recognize. Even more impressive is when people actually believe Limbaugh. How much ignorance does it take to choose Limbaugh on Catholic theology over the head of the Catholic Church, The Bishop of Rome? Wow! "Is the Pope Catholic" has a whole new meaning.

There's a lack of respect for learning in modern culture that would be hysterical if it weren't so devastating. Climate deniers lecturing Ph.D.s when they have no idea what they are talking about, as if reading an article in a magazine is the same as decades of constant study and research. The gall to psychologize about the "true motivations" of highly trained people, to accuse them of hypocrisy when the person knows nothing at all except for their own biases and prejudices. Mouthing inanities without paying social penalties, and even being esteemed for their ignorance. Shows how profoundly gullible and stupid many Americans are when defending their ideologies. This country is truly ripe for a demagogue like Donald Trump, someone the people will follow over a cliff like lemmings to the sea.

Yizkor: Yom Kippur 5776: Preparing for Later Years

Rabbi Mark H. Levin, DHL

Congregation Beth Torah

September 23, 2015

Some of us enter this sanctuary raw to the bone in grief.  For all of us grief makes us painfully aware of life's brevity, and so often causes inability to plan for severe changes in our lives.  It's as though grief nails us to the floor and clouds our heads!  Grief fogs our minds, as though we are emerging from a deep and unsatisfying sleep.

We jokingly use the Yiddish expression, "Man plans and God laughs.  Mensch tracht und Gott lacht"  Those we love share life's path, and too soon they are gone. We not only lose someone we love, we find life's course narrowed, our choices constrained; ourselves unprepared for the new, uphill climb. While still there in memory, we can no longer interact with a person whose very existence gave meaning to our lives.

On Yom Kippur we come to repent our sins, to introspectively ponder our choices over the past year, and to plan for how we might improve in the coming year. Yom Kippur encourages painful realism in reviewing our lives, and only we and God know the truth. And yet, so often we look at our actions, but not at the larger choices we made which led to those actions.

What are the larger choices? The big decisions we've made: where we live: what region of the country, what city or county, what kind of home? With whom will we share our lives: spouses, children, friends? Whom will we invite into our lives and whom will we exclude and how? What shall we do day by day? Shall we have jobs, raise children, volunteer, all three?  In what contexts will we choose to live our days? These are the big decisions, so often foisted upon us. We may make them with considerable gravitas and solemnity, or in just a moment as a whim, but how do we choose?

When we are young these decisions are virtually thrust upon us, like some adult to child game of catch where you may get surprised with the ball: Here! Catch! I'll live in this city. I'll choose this house. Sometimes we plan for a year and stay a lifetime.

And how do we decide? Most often we ask, "What will make us happy?"

But the truth is that "happy is not really the key." Rather, we should ask, and perhaps this seems to you like the same thing, what would be meaningful to us?

We have members of the congregation who chose occupations they thought would make them happy because they earned a significant amount of money, but they weren't happy with the money because the occupation was not meaningful. The work did not seem to matter enough although the money was good. I've met many of lawyers who say this about practicing law.

We've had business people change occupations to something they find more humanitarian and therefore, in helping people, more meaningful.

But we fail to explain something very significant: to get through life, your big choices must create meaning for yourself.

We have just read these words from our mahzor:

Let us treasure the time we have, and resolve to use it well, counting each moment precious – a chance to apprehend some truth, to experience some beauty, to conquer some evil, to relieve some suffering, to love and be loved, to achieve something of lasting worth.

Each of these activities – "apprehending truth, experiencing beauty, conquering evil, relieve suffering, to love and be loved" – intrinsically creates substance in our lives. When we are young, most often we do not have a meaning issue. Simply surviving is meaningful because so much is thrust upon us, the gale winds of just living. Choosing and practicing an occupation is meaningful. Finding a spouse with whom you hope to spend your life is meaningful. Choosing a home, having children, making friendships. All of these add meaning to our lives and so, most often, we do not notice until very late that they were meaning choices we made; but they were choices.

Yet, as we get older, often beginning in our mid-sixties, we lose those sources of meaning. The hurricane winds of youth turn first to a breeze then to a breath. Each of us is here because we have lost a dear person we loved mightily. Relationship and meaning lost. At some point we're likely to retire from working: a source of meaning set aside. Our friends may die or move away, or get sick and be inaccessible to us. Compansionship, a source of meaning diminishes. And little by little, the older we get, the more we find that the activities and relationships that gave our lives the significance we need to get out of bed in the morning have fallen by the wayside, chiseled away by loss of physical strength or simply, as we mourn today, the death of someone we loved.  So many people in aging feel deep within that there is little meaningful left for them to do, and too few friendships and love relationships remaining to keep their lives motivated and moving forward.  They may even despair, and yet they do not know why. It's because human beings are the only animals we know of that need not only air, water, and food to continue to live, but also a relationship or activity that gives them a reason to live. 

Now you likely have never been told these things before. And yet, in volunteering at Village Shalom, the Jewish community's home for the elderly, people discuss the meaning of their lives all the time. Every person living there has suffered deep losses: often a spouse, occupations,  some of their friendships, the athletic activities they enjoyed, mobility both physically and loss of a car to drive them places.  We reach a point where meaning issues surround us, and for some choke them daily.

When I first started out as a rabbi nearly 40 years ago the sainted Rabbi Gershon Hadas was the emeritus rabbi at Beth Shalom. Rabbi Hadas started around 1931 and retired around 1961, and he was well into his eighties when I knew him, nearly blind, and very much beloved by almost everyone in the city as far as I could tell. I was one of the many people who went to rabbi Hadas' home weekly to read to him.

Here's my youthful lack of understanding. I could not figure out why the rabbi studied so much. He had no job. He gave no sermons. He wrote no articles. He did nothing at all with all of that study except for improve his own mind and his own knowledge. I could not understand why this white-haired, old, doddering man, all 5 foot 4 of him, read and studied so much if he was not going to use the knowledge for anything I thought was productive.

Now I understand. Rabbi Hadas, whose brother, Moses Hadas was a famous scholar, had written a translation of psalms himself. He found comfort and INTRINSIC meaning in furthering knowledge. Now add to that the friendships of men and women who would come to his home to read and study texts. He was teaching informally, without telling anyone. He was socializing and furthering Judaism. He was adding knowledge for himself and the world. He had consciously, with forethought, planned significance in his life. He organized this meaning-making according to those aspects of life that would automatically give him a reason to exist in the world. He continued his rabbinate, that he loved so much, but in another form. He no longer made his living as a rabbi, but he made his life as a rabbi.

The only person we must please in this regard is ourselves. We are not punching a clock. There's no one to impress. But we must be content with our lives, and that requires activities and relationships we find intrinsically meaningful.  We always needed meaning. We just didn't realize it because it came so easily.

Some people have loving relationships with their children and grandchildren, but not sufficiently frequently to sustain them. So they need more friendships on a deeper level, someone who really knows and cares about them. For some people, reading might work, if their eyes hold out. For others listening to books might work, if their ears hold out. Yet, we must plan for later life, to create meaning when we may lose those meaning-making parts of our lives in our youth and middle age.

I feel a little like one of those television commercials that encourages people in their fifties to save for retirement, saying: the younger you are when you start the easier it will be.

We tell people to plan for advanced years with money, but frankly, having something that makes your life worthwhile is equally important. Some people love to travel, and that's expensive; but if you have a love of knowledge and a way to get to the library, you could be set for life. The point is, we have to plan for those things, for some it's a hobby, that will enable us to have a creative existence even if we live without a spouse, even if our children don't visit us everyday, even if our grandchildren ignore us, even if we are in a wheelchair or using a walker. Each person must possess something intrinsically meaningful within their own life. And we must plan to make this happen. We can't just leave it to chance.

Why discuss this today? Because each of us has been bereaved. We share that. Some are older, some younger. Some of us have resources for meaning, and some do not. No one likes to feel beholden to others, and so we are not likely to admit our neediness. Yet, we share this boat cruise together. If you don't believe that, head over to Village Shalom one day and take a look at the very vital, yet often alone, often formerly very active and influential members of the Jewish community who live their current lives in the physical comfort of Village Shalom. But did they prepare to have relationships or activities that will get them out of bed? Everyone I know has two things in common: they have something, but it's much diminished from earlier years.

This is why I urge all of us to ask ourselves early: what really gives our lives meaning, and how can I maximize that for myself now and in future years? What really gives your life meaning? If it's tennis, can you tranfer that to watching tennis when tennis courts are no longer your best friend? If it's friendships, can you hone your friend-making skill and teach yourself to become friendly with the people around you, wherever you are? One of the great skills that brings meaning to life at an advanced age is listening skills. People love to tell their life stories, and frankly, many of them are incredibly interesting.  A good listener who enjoys life stories will have lots to do that is meaningful.

Whatever your heartfelt meanings in life, develop them now so that you have them later. Get involved with a group at Beth Torah. Develop a skill that you can pursue alone and with others, so that you have something around which to socialize and an activity that you enjoy alone.

God gave us activities that make our lives meaningful: love, giving to others, creating something larger than ourselves, listening to other people and taking a sincere interest. Each of us is present today because of our grief at loss of a relationship. The older we get the more loss we experience, and the narrower our world becomes. Whatever your passion in life, find a way to adapt it to our advancing years. If we are fortunate, our bodies will last for decades to come. We must match that with meaningingful relationships and activities, and we will live fulfilled until God calls us home.

Kol Nidre 5776 -- Forgiveness

Rabbi Mark H. Levin, DHL

Congregation Beth Torah

September 22, 2015

I have a modest goal for this sermon. I want to irrevocably change your life! I want this to be the week that you look back upon years from now and say, "Where did I turn onto a new path that so improved my enjoyment of life? Oh yeah, it was Yom Kippur 2015."  

And how will you know if you have succeeded? If in a few days or a week from now someone comes to you and says, "You know, something about you seems different. In a good way, not a bad way. But different!  I just can't put my finger on it."
Then you'll know: you've changed.

Good stories aren't just entertaining. They teach us about ourselves. Here's a famous story of a Jewish hero, a guy called Honi the Circle-Drawer, who, legend says, lived about 2,100 years ago in Israel:

… One day Honi was walking on the road and he saw a man planting a carob tree. He asked, "How long does it take [for this tree] to grow fruit?" The man replied: "Seventy years." Honi then asked him: "Are you certain that you will live another seventy years?" The man replied: "I found [fruitful] carob trees in the world; as my ancestors planted those for me so I too plant these for my children."

Honi sat down to have a meal and fell into a deep slumber. As he slept a cave enclosed over him that hid him from sight and he slept for seventy years. When he awoke he saw a man gathering the fruit of the carob tree.  Honi asked him, "Are you the man who planted the tree?" The man replied: "I am his grandson." Thereupon Honi said outloud: "I must have slept for seventy years."

… Honi walked to his home. At the door he inquired, "Is the son of Honi the Circle-Drawer still alive?" The people answered him, "His son is no more, but his grandson is still living." Thereupon he said to them: "I am Honi the Circle-Drawer," but no one would believe him.

He turned and left for the beit ha-midrash, the [study hall] where he had spent all of his time.  There he overheard the scholars say, "The law is as clear to us as in the days of Honi the Circle-Drawer,” "Whenever Honi came to the beit ha-midrash he would settle any difficulty the scholars had.”

 Whereupon he called out, "I am Honi!"  But the scholars would not believe him nor did they give him the honor due to him. This hurt him greatly and he prayed for mercy, and he died.

 Raba said: "Hence the saying, 'Either companionship or death.'"

(Babylonian Talmud, Ta’anit 23a, taken with my edits from Velveteen Rabbi, http://velveteenrabbi.blogs.com/blog/2012/02/a-gorgeous-teaching-for-this-week-on-honi-the-circle-drawer.html)

Honi was the Jewish Rip Vanwinkle.  He wonders why anyone would plant a fruit tree he'll never personally enjoy; no return on his investment of time and energy. "Why plant trees you will never harvest?"

After Honi's 70 year nap, the nearby carob tree is fully grown and there's fruit for the picking. He goes home and hears that his son has died but his grandson lives.

He realizes what has happened and returned to his haunting grounds: the House of Study where he taught, and discovers that his teachings, like the tree, have borne fruit after 70 years. But as much as the Rabbis revere Honi in memory, he himself goes unrecognized and unacknowledged. He's suddenly alone with no loving friends.

Honi's teachings were esteemed, but life without friends and family became intolerable. He's not a tree to bear fruit. He's a man who lives to interact.

Without loved ones or friends to share our lives, daily survival becomes a struggle.  So shouldn't nurturing our closest relationships be our primary goal?

Weigh the priorities in your life. Which is more important, being loved or being right? Do you support the decisions of the people you love, or do you direct them how to live because you know how things ought to be and how everyone around you should live? How would your family answer these questions about you? Do you support or direct?

So often I have heard the claim from married couples, "It's natural to fight.  All married couples fight. Right?"  Or, "I was right. He was wrong. He needed to know that."

I differ. Married couples do not have to fight.  People will inevitably disagree. We are not automatons nor clones. But here's the reason we don't have to fight. Before you say anything to your spouse, or even to your children or your closest friends, ask yourself the question, "Do I want my marriage, or my family, or my friendship to break up over this issue?"

I am not saying that in reality your meaning-filled relationships are hanging on the edge of a cliff, waiting for a final straw to send them crashing. But think about it.

If your spouse were to say, "That's it. I'm done." If your children were to walk away. If your friends were never again to call: And this issue that you are about to fight about were the reason: would that be ok with you?

If not, then why are you fighting? Being right is no victory. Being loved is the victory.

So here's my point: with spouses, children and best friends, your first goal in life, before being right, before being corrective, before instructing how to do it better, is to be accepting, kind and loving.

And this is really difficult.  But this IS the spiritual journey.

So, I am going to admit something. I am not perfect. Yup, that's right. Not perfect. And I have actually said to my wife, "When such and such happens, I am going to be upset. So, I need a favor. Don't talk to me right away about it. Let me get quietly upset. Give me a bit of time to emotionally adjust, to berate myself, to feel bad without unintentionally piling onto my self loathing.  Later we can talk about it. I'm not blaming you. It's me. I need a little time to calm down when I do stupid things.  That's my personality."

We mess up! When we feel awful about ourselves we need to be supported, not instructed.  I didn't get married to move a critic into my bedroom. I got married to live with my most intimate friend, someone who truly knows and understands me and loves me anyway.  Without friends, Honi knew his life was over.

Can you say, "I am willing to live lovingly with someone who is less than perfect because I, too, am less than perfect?" Can you adjust your life rather than asking them to change theirs?

When you are annoyed, out of sorts, angry, or frustrated. When you desperately want to nail that reaction onto your spouse's or friend's chest like Hester Prynne's Scarlet Letter A, please stop and first think: why AM I feeling this emotion? Be curious about yourself before lecturing others how to live. Do Not React until you know what inside of you triggered that negativity. And if the answer is, "I am reacting to what my idiot spouse did," go back to square one and think again because that ain't it. You are reacting to something inside of you that was perhaps triggered by something your spouse did.  But the emotion is in you, not them. 

Your answer may be, "I get angry when I am criticized, and I was just criticized." Or, "I get frustrated when he doesn't do what we agreed to. And he didn't do what he promised." First, understand what's operating inside of you.  Then: get ready to forgive!

Remember when you first fell in love and nothing your new girl or boyfriend did bothered you? How did love make it so easy to forgive at the outset when forgiving is so difficult today?

I am asking you not to react until you know why you are reacting so strongly.  Wait until the emotion inside you has gone from an 8 to a 1.   

Your job with your spouse, adult children and friends is to forgive them their shortcomings and accept them in love. You are not the critic-in-residence. You are the cheerleader in residence, and God's agent of forgiveness.

How many of you say, or used to say with your kids, the Shema at night before bed?

Here's a Jewish prayer I'm guessing you've never seen. It's in this evening's announcement sheet handout for you to take home with you. Put it by your bed. You'll also find it on the Beth Torah FB page and website soon.

Try reciting this prayer tonight, before you go to sleep. Say it to yourself, or outloud, whichever works for you. (look at prayer on announcement sheet and read with you.)

Master of the universe! I hereby forgive anyone who has angered or vexed me, or sinned against me, in any manner, against my honor or anything else that is mine, whether accidentally or intentionally, inadvertently or deliberately, by speech or by deed; may no person be punished on my account.

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable before You, Lord, my Strength and my Redeemer.

http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/732811/jewish/Before-Retiring-at-Night-10th-Step.htm

This prayer actually says, “I don’t want anyone to be punished because of me.” Is that the case?  Then why do we blame so frequently?  Isn’t blaming punishing?

It’s much simpler to change yourself than to beat your head against the wall to change others. Your long-term happiness rests on relationships. Why do we preference being right over being loving? Why do we so often criticize?

Must you forgive everything? In the short term: yes.  You may not be able to live with those things long term, but you need to forgive in the short term.  Betrayal, for instance, is extremely difficult to endure, because we build the steel girdings of  relationship on the concrete foundation of trust. If ultimately you discover that you cannot sustain the relationship, at least you won’t part ways with animosity.

Must you live with someone who harms you? Absolutely and emphatically, no, you do not! But to the best of your ability: let go of the hurt!

Relationships take a lot of negotiation, but negotiate within yourself first; and then with the other. We too often forget to correct ourselves before we correct the person we love. Correcting too often damages loving. The Talmud says it’s a rare person who knows how to give rebuke, and a rarer person who knows how to take it. In the years before a divorce people often damage the loving so much and they don’t know how to fix it. The first step is forgiveness. Put the loving first, and your hard feelings second.

We have many addicted people in this congregation. I am not naïve.  And some of you may be sitting there thinking Rabbi Levin just doesn’t comprehend my life. You’re living with an addict or an angry person, and it’s so very frustrating. But I also know that you cannot make an alcoholic, a drug addict, a sex addict, a porn addict, a gambling addict, or any other kind of addict, even someone who is angry, change unless that person desires a different life. The loving response is to say to yourself, “The person I love has emotional wounds.” If someone has a broken arm you don’t slam it with a book. Why pound on an emotionally sensitive spot?  Instead ask, “How can we make this better?”

Loving requires forgiving: no long term revenge, no constant mulling over grudges.  True forgiveness, relinquishing grudges and revenge, can be gut wrenching and ego damaging. That’s the real test of love. It’s about what you give, not what you get. All of our American cultural messages tell us that we love because of what we get, not because of what we give. Loving is service to a person whom you love rather than a measure of what you get from the person you love. It starts every night before sleep with forgiveness. We wipe the slate clean. “I want no one to be punished on my account,” says the prayer.

Should you speak with your spouse or children or friends about your discontent? When you are certain it’s to benefit both of you and not just to appease yourself. When you are not about to pour animosity’s cold water as though it’s the ice bucket challenge? Absolutely.  Marriage and parenting require honest and straight-forward discussion in ways that facilitate tandem lives. But be prepared to live with someone who is less than perfect in ways that you would not prefer, because loving a person is about loving him or her for what she or he is, not for what you desire him or her to be. The work you have to do is not about changing your spouse, adult children and friends. It’s about changing you and forgiving your spouse, adult children and friends.

In the last 40 days until tonight you were supposed to ask those dearest to you to forgive you. You can still do that. You’ve got another 13 days. Your challenge is to forgive them. Then, daily, you clear the slate.

Here’s how this can actually change your entire life:  You are establishing a life of forgiveness.  It’s difficult. It means relinquishing grudges and letting go thoughts of revenge. It means embracing love and relinquishing the grasp of pettiness. That’s why, when you make this practice part of your life, and take the prayer home and read it every night, someone is going to say to you, “You know what? You’re different. And I don’t know how to describe it. But you’re different, and in a good way.” Starting with your spouse, then your children, then friends, you become a bigger person.  You take the focus off yourself.  This is the actual spiritual journey people talk so much about but rarely accomplish. People enjoy being around people who forgive. They feel safe. It makes them joyous. It’s actually contagious, paying it forward. Your job is not to compete about who is right, but to emotionally support those you love. It’s not to be a carpet to be walked on or to be a doormat to walk over, but to allow the people you love, spouses and children and friends included, to have a safe home in which to develop their lives and grow with your support. Listen carefully, closely and objectively to yourselves wherever you happen to be: at home, in a restaurant, out with friends, shopping, on a playground with your children. How much do you instruct even when you are not asked for your instructions, telling yourself the person needs to know your opinion to become a better person?  No they don’t. They’ll figure it out for themselves. They really need is to feel loved.  

Here’s something a friend actually wrote to me:

… I loved my husband far more after we were married for a few years than when we first got together, I think because he showed me day after day that he was committed to me, and loved me. My love for him grew to proportions I had never experienced before … I think it's natural, at least for me to love someone more after you are together as long as you exhibit behavior that promotes the relationship.

Can you plant a carob tree of kindness in your spouse and children, in your friends, expecting no reward? You won’t physically fall asleep for 70 years, but one day you will in fact wake up, and you will see life in a new light. What did the rabbis say?  “Companionship or death.” Let forgiveness be your guide, and it will light the road of companionship and love touching many lives surrounding you until God calls you home.

Kim Davis and the War on Christianity
September 5, 2015

I see that there are some Conservatives who are claiming that the jailing of Kim Davis is a war on Christianity. I see other Christian ministers who declare that Jesus accepted all people and that Ms. Davis is not acting out of their Christian belief. It is interesting to me that when the schools schedule programs on Shabbat or the High Holy Days, or give Christmas concerts even when that's against school policy, no one ever says there's a war on Judaism, least of all the people who are now claiming there's a war on Christianity. What's really at stake here is that those people believe that the rest of us are guests in THEIR country. That's what they mean by a war on Christianity. Not all Christians, but their type of Christian has the inherent right to set social policy and judge the laws. Anyone who opposes their ideas of Christianity or of sovereignty has, they say, declared war on Christianity. This is not a small matter. What they are really saying is that those holding divergent opinions are really not equal citizens of the United States and do not deserve full and equal rights.